Last weekend, I was blessed to speak at the Mom Heart conference with Sally Clarkson. I was honored to speak, but also found that the process of preparing, pondering, writing, practicing and then finally giving the talk (with tears) was very therapeutic for me. I hope it will bless you all!
"Last August, I was tested with a real trial - multi focal invasive ductal carcinoma. I knew that this day would come because I had been discipled that life is not without trials. According to James, trials are the fastest road to maturity and I knew this day would come. James 1: 2-4 'Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.'
And I had been blessed with a pretty Pollyanna life so far. But as I am learning each of us will have our time. When the day came, I panicked initially. I asked “Why me?” When I went out and saw people at the grocery store, I thought“They don’t have cancer and they are eating so poorly. Why do I?” In the beginning, it seemed I had only a 10% survival rate as we thought I had Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I began to think about dying. I began to ponder my life and what Bruce would do. I came to grips with Bruce remarrying and my children being raised by someone else. You just do that! I had a very blessed opportunity to come to grips with dying and being excited about the reality of heaven. Part of me looked forward to leaving this world and seeing my Jesus face to face. It is a beautiful place to be really.
I cried alone . . . and with friends. I had many sleepless nights trying to come to grips with it all. The hardest was the unknown. I am a planner and I just wanted to know all the answers. I wish I could tell you I made the right choice in those first minutes or days of my diagnosis, but I didn’t. If I had, I don’t think God would have had the opportunity to teach me more of who He is and lead me on this journey.
During this time, I grappled with God. Even in the turmoil, I felt his hand of peace over me the whole time. This unnerving sense of His peace and it was beautiful. But I didn’t feel close to him. I couldn’t hear Him speak and I couldn’t find Him in the usual places. When I sat to read scripture, I was overwhelmed with the sense that the verses I found didn’t apply to me. When I prayed, I felt like I was begging. When I listened to contemporary praise music, it made me feel close to heaven and I would cry. When I tried to journal, I had nothing to say. These were all my regular places to find God, yet He seemed beyond my grasp. But I was blessed to have memorized scripture and it came to me when I needed it - Heb. 13:5 “I will never leave you or forsake you” - Ps. 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God". I could not deny the peace I had from Him. God where are you hiding? Why do I feel guilty that I can’t find you?
As a baby Christian, I was blessed to have been discipled by a Godly mentor. She is the lady who I wrote the books with Jackie Johnson. I encourage all of you to ask an older woman to walk along side you. I feel like Sally through her books has mentored me into the mom I am today. I continue to learn from her. Isn’t it wonderful to feel as if Sally is talking directly to you in her books. Does anyone else feel that way? As a new believer, I was taught about the Y in the road. Walking the Christian road, there will come a time - an irritation, a temptation, a trial where you must choose which road you will walk. I could either choose the road most taken – feeling sorry for myself, being angry, fretful or complaining and the den of Satan's lies or I could choose the road less taken - God's peace, joyfulness, gratefulness and the victorious life. In knew from 2 Peter 1:3 that God had already given me everything I need to live a godly life. The key to the Y in the road is that you must choose much sooner than the Y in the road which way you will go. If one waits for the decision when the clouds of darkness roll in, it is too late. The moment will overtake you. But I had decided years ago what I would do. I just needed to remember this truth. This choice determined everything for me.
I knew in the past I had decided to choose freedom and life and now was the test in this trial of breast cancer. Choosing life for me meant that I had to give thanks, rejoice and give God the glory with no excuses! I remember at the Intensive I told Sally that I didn’t need to sit in on the blogging part. I was never going to blog! She encouraged me years ago to do it. You never know, she said. She was right! God had called me to blog this cancer journey – for me, for His glory and for others. I write about where God has be, health tips I have learned and the Joy-filled Journey I am traveling.
In November, recovering from a double mastectomy I decided to join fellow facebook friends to give thanks for one thing each day. During those days, my larger-than life dad who was my friend and biggest fan passed into glory. I got to hold his hand and see him into eternity. Still on those days, I was choosing to practice gratefulness because I had decided before I came to the choice in the road“Y’ what I was going to do.
In the beginning, I told you I thought God was hiding. I couldn’t find him. I felt peace but I wanted more. You know when I made Him my joy, gave him glory and choose his road on the Y, he showed up! Sometimes just going through the motions until I believed it worked the best. God showed up in the most unexpected places. I was looking for Him in my weekly Bible Study and homework, journaling, my prayer time. But he was alive in my pain and became my Hiding Place and my joy during this time. I saw Him in the psalms, in old classical hymns, in the faces of my friends, in verses people would mail me, in so many of the health classes I was taking and things I was learning, I saw Him in my kids as they watched and learned God’s character through my responses to this trial, I saw Him in my husband and his increased faith journey. I can honestly say I am grateful to have had cancer now and would never want to go back to my life before.
We all know that if we aren’t in a trial today, we may be tomorrow. I know that I will have this opportunity again. So choose with me this day to embrace victory in Joy, gratefulness and Life when you get to the “Y” in the road. And there we will find the Lord and He can show us that He was walking side by side with us.- never hiding. "
